The Man, the Myth, The Legend

The Man, the Myth, The Legend | By Bethany Luchetta

Father’s Day is this weekend. Our blog community chose the theme for June to be ‘Summer Love’. I know it’s supposed to be about the things we love, and not the people we love.  But I want to take some time and write about the things I love about the Father to my daughters for Fathers’ Day. My hope: You would take some time this week and also write to the Father of your children.

Disclaimer: With the understanding that Fathers Day can be tough, and so are the intricacies of relationships, this blog may not apply to you for a myriad of reasons. We try to apply blogs to everyone across the board, but sometimes the shoe doesn’t fit every time.

 

Today I will gush about Vincent John Luchetta. Who? Haha… We’ve been married now for over 7 years and it hasn’t always been okay. Today is okay, and is in the process of growth, which I hope continues forever. He had two beautiful daughters and another life before me. Vince and I met when he was ‘separated’ from his wife. Vince lived on the road with Jimmy Buffet and got lost in the touring roadie life. In 2010, a year after we met, we got married, it was a rough start to turbulent skies. It wasn’t until our own marriage tanked in the summer of 2012 that we both decided we didn’t want to have another divorce on our hands. This meant that we both had to face our pain, each look into our own soul and figure out how to clean house. Vince has taken this path to a whole new level. He isn’t the man I married, God took a few bones and made a new man. I am forever thankful for Vince’s determination to himself, his daughters, and me!

A few fun (mostly) unknown facts about Vince. He was in the Navy for 4 years. He has been a Sound Engineer at Sound Image for 10 years. He has Deuteronomy 6:4-6 tattooed on his forearm. He owned his own communications business. He went to Seminary.  He was a youth pastor and helped physically build a church. He found his love of ‘sound’ putting on concerts for his youth group. He went to Sound Engineer school in Arizona and worked at a club and a church while going to school. He graduated from Palomar College the year Livvy was born as an Honor Student. He worked part time after Livvy was born so he could stay home with her part-time until she was one years old. His first born is Makayla, who just graduated High School. His second born, Paige, is currently Rodeo Princess. And his surprise child, Livvy Lou, just turned 4 years old. He is currently starting a company called “Eat it Up’ as an urban personal farm-to-table Chef.

 

Vince,

I want to take this Father’s Day and tell you, “I am proud to be your wife”. You have embraced community and vulnerability. You have journeyed into your wilderness and explored your own hurts and fractured parts, and you have owned your part in many wrongs. You have stayed long into friendships where you may have given up in the past. I have seen you eat humble pie with people  you know, and even strangers. From harsh words to kindness; you are quick to apologize and repent. I actually cannot recall the last time I heard a harsh word from your mouth. You never gossip or backbite. You recognize when you’ve been disconnected and always come back and work on the hard task of being authentic and intimate with your important relationships. I’ve watched you lower your shield and open your heart to many things that used to scare you; spirituality, meekness, and openness. You have set on the path to search below the surface and inspect the health of your own roots. You are working diligently on finding forgiveness for things not-so-easy to cut loose. I am inspired by your desire to work alongside other Godly men to grow-up and have broad shoulders for your children and your wife (me). As you call it, coming home so we can plug into you. You always ask me how I am doing, what I am feeling, and even though I hate those questions, you really do want to know. You push to wake early and fill yourself in the mornings with inspiration. I see you reading to grow, listening to learn, and speaking to understand.

You make your daughter breakfast and pack her lunch every day. I hear you praying for her and singing to her when you lay her down for bed. You answer her softly and compassionately. You do our laundry, take out the trash, and do the grocery shopping. You work diligently in being a sounding board for your older girls; which isn’t easy since they are so far away. You never control, guilt, manipulate, or try and ‘fix’. You are so patient. You are a giver, a tither, a provider. You work harder than any man I have ever known, and never complain. You embrace the challenges your work puts before you. You’ve even reached out to be a mentor and friend to many of the guys you work with; you’re a respected leader and friend to them. You’re a confidant to many of our friends. You always show yourself friendly and kind and teach your children to do the same (like always asking the waitress or waiter’s name so you can call them by first name, even if we never see them again). You are stronger and kinder than this Alpha Female running alongside you. You let me be me, even when I am still figuring out who that is!

I’ve watched you confront tough conversations with a new grace, judge less and breathe more. Even lately digging deep into your own expectations and searching for proper motivation and realistic goals. You’re facing the pain of rejection and fear. You are allowing your anger to soften into sadness and making the choice to grow through it.

Have I told you that you’re an amazing chef!? You have taken your new endeavor of personal chef to a new level of greatness. You think I am bias, and I may be a tinge, but your food is amazing. Mr. 5-star review! You are my new “slashy” man. Sound Engineer / Personal Chef. You are both, and much more!

I can go on and on… Vince, I love you. Happy Father’s Day.


IMG_2727Bethany Luchetta is a writer of life and reality. In hopes to connect with the humanity around her, she writes from her heart. Bethany just celebrated 7 years of marriage with her love, Vince Luchetta. They are both on their second marriage. Life has not been without challenge in their personal lives and career lives, yet they strive for growth in love and tragedy. They share three beautiful daughters, Makayla (17), Paige (14), and Livvy Lou (4). If you see them, reach out and say hi!

 

 

 

 

Parenting Failure

Parenting Failure | By Bethany Luchetta

(Featured image by TrinitySportsmanMinistry.com)
You can’t trade it on the ‘open market’. It’s not a new idea. It’s not a great business plan. It’s been done. You’re not gonna make millions doing it. It’s definitely not a 9-to-5. You’re not going to end up on the bestsellers list. The commission is not set very high. You’re not gonna be on Forbes 500. At the end of the day your work is not done when you leave the office. You’re not going to be on the most successful 30 under 30. You’re definitely not going to get employee of the month. No one is giving you a Grammy. You’re probably not gonna make entrepreneur of the year. Most likely you won’t have an assistant. The more you do, the more there is to do. You’re not going to end up on the Dean’s list, in an honors society, or in a sorority, or live in a frat house! You ARE the target market! You’re gonna wish there was an after-five-mixer! No one’s handing out grants, scholarships, or any free money for this job! And it’s said, ‘anyone can do it’. We also get told, ‘everyone’s just trying their best’, while we are silently judging, and being judged, for who really isthe best. How perfect can we be?!

Where is our value for humanity? For Innocence? Vulnerability? Purity? The sense of wonder? And the essence of people? Do we value people? Or just what they can produce for us? How they can make us feel? How they can entertain us?

Do we really value children? Our future; our tomorrow? Why don’t we offer accolades to raising children? Why is there no value placed on raising children; on making good human beings? If there is no value or worth in it, then why would anyone invest in doing it, or place any time or effort into it? The apparent value of diminishing returns here, or consideration, dooms our future!

When I was young, I wanted to be married by 20 and birth 4 kids; each 2-years-apart in a royal succession. Sounds so dreamy (and quite silly). I have this ‘dream’ jotted down someone from a home school assignment from when I was about 10 years old. But during pubescence things changed; I was finding out about the cruel world (as I saw it). I started seeing people in a different way. I perceived value from a very secular ‘dog eat dog’ view. I wanted what success looked like to other people! I wanted to be ‘their type of successful’. I changed my ideas. Then all I wanted to do was go to college, get a degree, and earn lots of money, and live on Sunset Boulevard. I wish I were joking. What a detour I took chasing that dream.

Somehow, I went from thinking children were awesome, to believing the world was too corrupted to add more children into it. This fact, coupled with beliefs from home, church, and/or culture that were fabricated to bring a devaluation to parenting or children. But therein is the lie.

I find it humourous that I have been working on this blog for some time now, and this week Weyman Howard spoke on Parenting. What good insight it brought me to complete this blog. Love. The understanding that it is all about Love. If the world was operating the way it was intended, then Love would overcome the desire for success (the material definition).

What if we could reframe the definition of success to mean: Loving well and raising kids, from a place of Love, and not a place of shame, guilt, control or a being to carry your heritage (or worse, just someone to take care of you when you were old). What if we raised them to give them more than we received from them? What if kids were not our property, but a gift, a responsibly to bring another human up-into the world more Loving than we were? Could we change the world? Could this simply change everything? I believe it could. Hold the phone, I am nottalking about spoiling, saying ‘yes’ to their every whim, or having poor boundaries which creates madness. I am talking about a sincere, genuine, unconditional love for their very being, their spiritual being. I have to sincerely ask myself how that looks in my everyday life.

It would mean, when I am tired, frustrated and just ‘done’ with the questions from a 4-year-old, I would take a deep breath and pull on the Love to answer kindly, not harshly with shame inferred.

It would mean creating better emotional boundaries for myself, so I could provide a healthier me to my children. Which means getting in touch with my own pain and struggles. No more guilt parenting but taking responsibility. Instead of giving her 10 chances and I’ve lost my cool, giving her 3 chances and then a consequence because I Love her.

It would mean owning my own feelings and back story, not using objects or pity to control or manipulate their behavior into the way I need them to act and behave for my own good. It would mean Loving myself and the little me that still needs to be raised up.

It would mean taking responsibly for my actions and not blaming her for how I acted or felt. It would also mean setting realistic, age appropriate, expectations from a place of Love and care – AND actually communicating them aloud and then following through and being accountable. Love would mean, keeping my word so I could breed an environment of trust.

It would mean, not using my kids to rid my own shame. Like making her dress a certain way, make her hair perfect, or telling her how to talk or behave in a way that makes me look best in public. Instead allow her to make mistakes and providing grace from Love and not shame.

It would mean, not harming her with my words, but using Loving words and actions. Treating her how I want to be treated, or better.

What if we considered how we Love our children as the new success?! I think the world would start to change.

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image credit mercerjourney.com

 


IMG_2727Bethany Luchetta is a writer of life and reality. In hopes to connect with the humanity around her, she writes from her heart. Bethany just celebrated 7 years of marriage with her love, Vince Luchetta. They are both on their second marriage. Life has not been without challenge in their personal lives and career lives, yet they strive for growth in love and tragedy. They share three beautiful daughters, Makayla (17), Paige (14), and Livvy Lou (4). If you see them, reach out and say hi!

 

 

 

 

April showers bring May flowers…

April showers bring May flowers | By Bethany Sousa

For me, Springtime has typically been associated with the word refreshing and newness in my mind through the years. Probably because I automatically picture fresh tulips on my parents dining table growing up as a child. With Mother’s Day still on my mind, I find myself reflecting on all the mothers that have been in, and around, my life so far. All the wonderful jewels they have each placed in my crown of feminine identity and social womanhood. What a crown they have built for me, and I get to wear it proudly every day!

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79ideas.org Photo Credit

However, it wasn’t always so simple and easy for me to receive such wisdom with grace and understanding. Along with refreshing and newness, Spring also brings maturity. Now there’s a word I probably would’ve never associated with Spring prior to today – maturity. For all those women who have poured such wisdom into my life, I had no idea they were instilling a mature femininity into the way I would live my life out.

It’s quite fascinating for me to look back and recall all the “ah-ha” moments of gaining a new perspective, or patiently working out the painful moments of maturing. One of the greatest words of wisdom I gained from a woman in my mid 20’s was about how sometimes the harvest of God’s promise takes us through the long way around, similar to the Israelites. Now that was a very loose translation, but I’m sure you get the idea. They had to “work out their faith” so to speak, for many years before being able to receive the fullness of the promise land. Time for me, meant waiting on the Lord in His non-linear timing. For example, waiting on the Lord to fulfill a prophetic word, or a dream, or even a desire that weighs heavy on the heart. Well, I was all of these examples! Finding myself questioning His involvement at times, and even asking was He even involved anymore or did He skip out on me for a little? It was quite the opposite!

He graciously asked me one day what Spring meant to me and what I saw when I thought of it. My response was a field of flowers, similar to the Carlsbad field of flowers. What He spoke next blew my immature mentality out into a maturity I had no idea I was in need of. He showed me a picture of small little sprouts budding out of rich soil. Rows and rows of sprouts. Then He said, “Bethany, this is Spring. Behold, I will make all things new. You have plowed and worked the field, look and see that I am good. Spring isn’t always a time of reaping abundance. It is also a time of new beginnings and starting over”. I felt such a freedom from an old way of thinking. No longer did I have to pressure myself with an expectation of having to see a full field of harvest, but now I can rejoice in the simplest of refreshing and newness that the Lord is working out through me!

Featured Image Photo Credit: OgNature.org

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cityuniversity.ca Photo Credit


IMG_3304BETHANY is a singer/songwriter currently living in Nashville, TN. Her dream and desire is to partner with other artists collaboratively to help bring awareness to the audience an awakening of purpose. In today’s western culture, we have focused too music on selfish ego and not enough on the bigger picture–we’re all here for a purpose, and we all play an important role in achieving that goal in each other  Art is such an intense expression and tool to use to help awaken peoples minds and souls of their own existence. Music heals us mentally and spiritually, and one of her main goals is to help bring that healing, one song at a time.

 

…Bring May Flowers

Last week I left off with the following in my ‘April Showers…’ Blog.

Last month I asked my bio-dad if he could do a DNA test with me to end my questioning once and for all; start a clean slate and work on the rest internally. He agreed. There are other stories to go along with this that make it more emotional and challenging. I got the results last week.


April Showers Bring May Flowers | By Bethany Luchetta

99.9999 positive match. Chad Barkley is my father. I smiled. I sighed and I teared up. I emailed the results to my father and his replied brought tears pouring from my eyes, ‘Welcome to the Family, babygirl!’ My mom said he only met me twice; at one month and then again when I was 3 years old, as he drove through Kansas. I felt like when he said “Welcome to the Family, babygirl” it was as if I was hearing that for the first time, and maybe I was. My soul needed that; to be welcomed by him, accepted, valued as a new member of the family, wanted and loved.

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I’ve been thinking on all these details for a very long time. And there is an essence of knowing the truth that puts my body to ease. But that is just part of the journey. The other part of the journey is obtaining an unconditional knowing that I am truly loved and accepted, created and woven together by a Magnificent God. Here’s the kicker folks: I could be loved and accepted and admired, cherished by every human on the planet, but if I do not know my identity in the Creator, then I am only partially found.

IMG_0466This year I had been chewing on the reality of going the distance with the DNA test, I started wavering immensely in my relationship with God. If you were at the last women’s event, Cultivating What Matters, Miracles in the Mess, you may have saw my tearful outburst when Tracy was praying for me. I had this DNA test pending and then my landlord said he wanted to sell our home. Vince and I decided we would pray and fast a week and try and get unified direction; move-out or buy the house. Here is where the cracks in my relationship with God surfaced. By the end of the week I sat in the living room, Livvy sound asleep in her room, and Vince at my side. Neither one of us had a set direction of what to do next. I first thought; God sucks. He is never there when I need Him. Isn’t He supposed to answer our questions, hear our cry? Isn’t He supposed to be our ‘very present help’!? He is never there! He is a liar. He always leaves me. He’s rejected and abandoned me again.

My rant went on-and-on as Vince listened to my words, thoughts, and feelings towards God. Vince calmly said, “Did you expect God to come hold-your-hand and show you what to do?!” Without a doubt that is what I wanted, expected, needed! “Yes”, I retorted. “God doesn’t need you Bethany. He doesn’t need you to be anything, but you. He is God, you don’t fill a need by being what He wants you to be, or how He wants you to be. He values and approves you, as you. Nothing else. He doesn’t need you.” REVELATION. I may have cussed God out at this point. As my rant continued, I realized all this anger was towards my earthly fathers. I was projecting the anger I had towards my fathers onto the God of the Universe.

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Road trip photo going to Fresno for DNA test

I was angry with God. But surprisingly after I quieted, I felt a calmness come over me that reassured me, ‘Now we can start fresh. Now that you are being honest, we can have a relationship based on truth’. I still wasn’t happy, and as I put it, God and I weren’t on talking terms. I was going into my own ‘unknown’.

The next few days people wanted to assure me by stating who I was to God. Apple of His Eye. Victorious. Wonderfully Created. The Daughter of the King… But this couldn’t resonate. I realized my problem. If I saw God as unfair. God abandons His children to destitution. If I kept projecting the fathers of this world onto the God of the Universe, Love Himself, I would never understand Him. In return, I couldn’t see myself as valuable or worthwhile. Here started my work. I had to find out who God was. Who is this God I have been ‘believing-in’ for the sum of my life? Where have I gone wrong? So, I started exploring what the Bible says about His character. I only chose the ones I needed to hear. I made a list. It was long, and each attribute spoke to the places of hurt in my own heart.

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This is my own work. We all have to take our April Showers and find the May Flowers. Because there are also weeds in May, barren lands, and dry bones. It is our job to find the way out of the darkness. Thankfully we have access to loving community of friends, mentors, and a Faithful God who will reveal truth to our heart when we need it the most. I am grateful for this journey. I am not through it; it will be my life’s work. But I am happy now to be doing the work. I want to learn the strategy and apply it, even when it’s painful. I want to grow, become wise, and know Gods abiding validation, truth, love and acceptance. Maybe you do too?!

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Road trip photo coming home from Fresno for my DNA test

 

I leave you with two writings that are not my own. One is for May Flowers, and the other came to me during this journey. They may add something to your own journey:

May 1 “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young

You are on the path of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. Here and Now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

Every moment is alive with My Glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have not time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace. (Luke 12:25-26 English Standard Version)

 

A Parable: The Prisoner in The Dark Cave “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw

There once was a man who was sentenced to die. He was blindfolded and put in a pitch-dark cave. The cave was 100 yards by 100 yards. He was told that there was a way out of the cave, and if he could find it, he was a free man.

After a rock was secured at the entrance of the cave, the prisoner was allowed to take his blindfold off and roam freely in the darkness. He was to be fed only bread and water for the first 30 days and nothing thereafter. The bread and water were lowered from a small hole in the roof at the south end of the cave. The ceiling was about 18 feet high. The opening was about one foot in diameter. The prisoner could see a faint light up above, but no light came into the cave.

As the prisoner roamed and crawled around the cave, he bumped into rocks. Some were rather large. He thought that if he could build a mound of rocks and dirt that was high enough, he could reach the opening and enlarge it enough to crawl through and escape. Since he was 5’9″, and his reach was two feet, the mound had to be at least 10 feet high.

So the prisoner spent his waking hours picking up rocks and digging up dirt. At the end of two weeks, he had built a mound of about six feet. He thought that if he could duplicate that in the next two weeks, he could make it before his food ran out. But as he had already used most of the rocks in the cave, he had to dig harder and harder. He had to do the digging with his bare hands. After a month had passed, the mound was nine and half feet high and he could almost reach the opening if he jumped. He was almost exhausted and extremely weak.

One day just as he thought he could touch the opening, he fell. He was simply too weak to get up, and in two days he died. His captors came to get his body. They rolled away the huge rock that covered the entrance. As the light flooded into the cave, it illuminated an opening in the wall of the cave about three feet in circumference.

The opening was the opening to a tunnel which led to the other side of the mountain. This was the passage to freedom the prisoner had been told about. It was in the south wall directly under the opening in the ceiling. All the prisoner would have had to do was crawl about 200 feet and he would have found freedom. He had so completely focused on the opening of light that it never occurred to him to look for freedom in the darkness. Liberation was there all the time right next to the mound he was building, but it was in the darkness.


IMG_2727Bethany Luchetta is a writer of life and reality. In hopes to connect with the humanity around her, she writes from her heart. Bethany just celebrated 7 years of marriage with her love, Vince Luchetta. They are both on their second marriage. Life has not been without challenge in their personal lives and career lives, yet they strive for growth in love and tragedy. They share three beautiful daughters, Makayla (17), Paige (14), and Livvy Lou (3). If you see them, reach out and say hi!

 

 

April Showers…

April Showers… | By Bethany Luchetta

Ladies, I sit down to write this and tears well up. I have to ask myself where the emotion is coming from?! Haven’t I been processing this forEVER!.

Maybe you can relate to the feeling. Is there that ‘one’ thing in your life that just nags at you. It keeps rearing its head, just to stare you down to win the contest? Big sighs.

I am not sure how much of this journey I have written about in the past, or how long ago it was, or who read it. So, forgive me if you have heard part of this, just skip to the end.

I was born in Manhattan Kansas on December 9, 1980…. Wait, she’s starting from the beginning?! Boring. Ha. My birth announcement says, “Hoping you’ll rejoice with us”. My birth certificate has some particulars on it, birth name, parents, hospital, county, date. You know, the normal stuff.

Flash forward almost ten years. My family was on a camping trip when my parents showed us the wedding ring my dad had given my mom with an inscription of their wedding date; May 30, 1981. Wheels start to turn in my head. I was born in 1980. What’s the deal here? I can take myself back to the moments of what happened next around the fire-pit in Kern County. My parents began to explain how my older sister and I were not my dad’s biological children. My short life and a myriad of questions flashed across my mind without stopping; I was spiraling out of control without moving an inch. Then without control my tears sprang like raindrops from a sudden storm. I don’t recall how I ended up in my tent, but I laid there with snot and tears and unspoken questions pouring. I had felt different, disconnected, and a general sense of loss about something in my life. This news reinforced what I had been feeling with facts.

Messages Image(713973681)I say that there were not many conversations about this situation after this camping trip. As a kid I would say there wasn’t a platform for conversation when I was young. But I as an adult, I now see I was just afraid and insecure about how that would look for my life and I didn’t have the guidance to work those fears out.

Flash forward again another 8 years. I am not certain to this day about how this situation evolved. But I flew with my mom to her high school reunion in Northern California. I had a conversation with my mom about my birth father potentially attending this reunion, and if I wanted to meet him. I vaguely recall being unsure, but willing to pursue the truth about my lineage. As I deplaned (pre-2001), he was standing at the terminal gate exit. I didn’t know what he looked like, or that he would even be at the airport. But, the first thing I heard from this stranger was, “Hello Bethany.” I recall feeling absolute shock. SHOCK. Unwarned, unsure, unprepared, panicked and exposed. I am not sure what happened next. All I remember was disconnecting from myself into some imagination land of self-preservation/protection.

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That weekend passed and I slowly found myself wanting to know more about my family of origin. I began meeting other family members and trying to build relationships. This didn’t go very well for the family back at home. It seemed to put my home on defense and high alert. My dad and mom fought about it, my sisters yelled at me about it, and I felt isolated and alone. These memories could have been one-time events, but they felt permanent and pervasive and always on my mind. This was a very tough season for me.

Years have gone by and my family has encounter ups-and-downs on this subject, blow-outs, highly charged emotional moments and months without talking. I haven’t always been nice about the topic; restless. It’s still not an easy topic for most of my family. There have been lots of things said by different family members and I have struggled in wondering if the birth father I met when I was 18-years-old, was actually really my birth father… or if there was still someone else out there who made me.

Questioning my identity has not been an easy path. Could I have just left ‘good-enough-alone’? Maybe. But I am a truth seeker and I wanted to know about my true heritage – ‘without a doubt’. Since I was young I have struggled with the sense of worthlessness, discard or without value. I’ve done all I can to outperform, perfect, and push my own limits. I used to think it was to get my parents love and attention or maybe to capture Gods acceptance or approval? I am starting to think, it was to capture my own attention; to find love for myself despite how damaged or discarded I felt in my core. I heard that children take the negative that happens in life and project it on themselves as their own fault. The example I heard, if parents get divorced or a loved-one passes, children automatically think “what did I do” or “this is my fault”. I am not sure the essence of this ideology, or psychology, but the gist of it resonated with me. How can I love mySELF if I didn’t see myself as loved for who I was; abandoned.

Last month I asked my bio-dad if he could do a DNA test with me to end my questioning once and for all; start a clean slate and work on the rest internally. He agreed. There are other stories to go along with this that make it more emotional and challenging. I got the results last week.

TO BE CONTINED with next week’s Blog ‘April Showers bring May Flowers’.


IMG_2727Bethany Luchetta is a writer of life and reality. In hopes to connect with the humanity around her, she writes from her heart. Bethany just celebrated 7 years of marriage with her love, Vince Luchetta. They are both on their second marriage. Life has not been without challenge in their personal lives and career lives, yet they strive for growth in love and tragedy. They share three beautiful daughters, Makayla (17), Paige (14), and Livvy Lou (3). If you see them, reach out and say hi!