I had my doubts about having kids since my first marriage in 2001. My first husband and I were married five years, and I never had the “urge.” My clock wasn’t ticking—perhaps I was missing batteries. We divorced, and I went into a downward spiral of reckless dating, selfish ambitions, traveling, sex, booze and rock ‘n’ roll. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I was in an identity crisis that would last me seven years. I don’t regret all the time I journeyed through this wonderland rabbit hole, but I presume it could have been less painful. I was struggling, and it took me a long time to unravel my responsibilities.
I met my Vince in 2009 during an event that my best friend, Victoria Thomas, and I were coordinating for the community. It was called Justice Day, human trafficking awareness. He was the sound guy. Sparks flew, and we were inseparable. We eloped 12 months later.
Our relationship started off rough. He had a divorce and two kids. I had a divorce. He had his own struggles. I was in my identity crisis struggling with insecurity, bonding issues, mother wounds and father wounds. I was abused by a female when I was young and therefore struggled with sexual identity issues. I couldn’t keep close female friends and misplaced myself among men. I have a long line of sexual predators, sexual abuse victims, three murders and a lot of emotional detachment in my ancestry. What a legacy! To top it all off, I would have gone rushing back into the arms of my ex-husband at the drop of a hat. Perfect recipe for a happy marriage.
In 2012 Vince and I decided to renew our vows. Life was “surface-peachy” until one month before our renewal when my ex-husband suddenly passed away. I went into a deep depression. I lost my mind. Then, as I was well-trained to do, I stuffed it as far down as I could. I smiled and went on planning my beautiful vow renewal.
Two days after my vow renewal (which was lovely), my cup runneth over. I got our cell phone bill and WHAMMY. It showed me that Vince was corresponding with another cell phone user way more than me. I went into a panic attack, and I was spinning out of control. When I got in touch with Vince, he slowly confessed his need for an unbiased connection—I was in my basket of stuff, and he needed an outlet. Amid the news of the emotional affair, Vince also admitted his closet drinking to numb his pain. We were in bad shape. We did the only thing we hadn’t done yet: We exposed ourselves to our pastors, ran to Jesus, dove into community, became very vulnerable, booked into counseling and lay in ICU for the next year.
After a year of intensive work, we said our little prayer: “God, we are making plans, but please direct our steps. Amen.” And then scheduled a vasectomy for Sept. 9. However, two days before the procedure, my period was late. I took a pee test and WHAMMY. What the heck?! No way. Holy schnikies, PINK. Oh Lord. (I didn’t really respond too much.)
I thought for sure I would miscarry and this whole thing would end. There was no way I could bond with a baby. I didn’t have the capacity. I was barely out of intensive care. The kicker came when I saw she was a girl! I went home, sat alone and I lost my cookies. It was the first and last time I cried in anger about my pregnancy. It came with a vengeance. Wailing. I was so mad at God: “How could He do this?! I would never bond with a girl! She would end up a victim. How would I protect her in this family legacy? This was horrid. God is cruel.”
The rest of my pregnancy I was completely detached and “un”expecting. Livvy Lou Luchetta came into the world May 23, 2014, at 42 weeks and 1 day gestation. The day after she was born, I was smitten. I cried and cried. I fell in love—deep love. I found compassion. I found a new understanding. I finally understood love. I began to forgive people. I started seeing things through new eyes. God even started to heal my relationship with my own mom. And I could bond! This was a creative, unexpected, miracle blessing from God.
When we had Livvy, Vince and I were so blessed to have five weeks off together. During that time, we found new direction. We decided that both of us needed to raise Livvy. We would do whatever possible to bring her a simple, organic life, loving God and loving people. Her mom and dad would share the intentional task of resourcing her life into adulthood. Vince and I both changed our work hours down to part-time and simplified our expenses. We made purposeful, value-driven decisions to shrink the gap of disconnect between what we want and what we have. The path we have chosen for our family is not easy, but it’s life-giving and fruitful.
Not everyone can copy what we have done, but anyone can bring their own vision closer to reality by taking intentional steps. You may be surprised by the unexpected. I hope that my days with Livvy will be life-giving and teach her adaptability in a world of unexpected outcomes. Her life has taught me that very lesson.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Bethany Luchetta has been doing Real Estate for the last 10 years. She is currently a business owner and Real Estate Broker for Feel Good Property Management & Sales in Carlsbad, California. She has been married for 5 years to her hubby-poo, Vincent. Together they have a vibrant toddler, Livvy Lou. They are also blessed with Vince’s two older daughters, Paige (11) and Makayla (15). Bethany loves to write and will one day return to finish her degree in Marriage and Family Therapy so she can help other families navigate the adventures of life.