Parenting Failure | By Bethany Luchetta
(Featured image by TrinitySportsmanMinistry.com)
You can’t trade it on the ‘open market’. It’s not a new idea. It’s not a great business plan. It’s been done. You’re not gonna make millions doing it. It’s definitely not a 9-to-5. You’re not going to end up on the bestsellers list. The commission is not set very high. You’re not gonna be on Forbes 500. At the end of the day your work is not done when you leave the office. You’re not going to be on the most successful 30 under 30. You’re definitely not going to get employee of the month. No one is giving you a Grammy. You’re probably not gonna make entrepreneur of the year. Most likely you won’t have an assistant. The more you do, the more there is to do. You’re not going to end up on the Dean’s list, in an honors society, or in a sorority, or live in a frat house! You ARE the target market! You’re gonna wish there was an after-five-mixer! No one’s handing out grants, scholarships, or any free money for this job! And it’s said, ‘anyone can do it’. We also get told, ‘everyone’s just trying their best’, while we are silently judging, and being judged, for who really isthe best. How perfect can we be?!
Where is our value for humanity? For Innocence? Vulnerability? Purity? The sense of wonder? And the essence of people? Do we value people? Or just what they can produce for us? How they can make us feel? How they can entertain us?
Do we really value children? Our future; our tomorrow? Why don’t we offer accolades to raising children? Why is there no value placed on raising children; on making good human beings? If there is no value or worth in it, then why would anyone invest in doing it, or place any time or effort into it? The apparent value of diminishing returns here, or consideration, dooms our future!
When I was young, I wanted to be married by 20 and birth 4 kids; each 2-years-apart in a royal succession. Sounds so dreamy (and quite silly). I have this ‘dream’ jotted down someone from a home school assignment from when I was about 10 years old. But during pubescence things changed; I was finding out about the cruel world (as I saw it). I started seeing people in a different way. I perceived value from a very secular ‘dog eat dog’ view. I wanted what success looked like to other people! I wanted to be ‘their type of successful’. I changed my ideas. Then all I wanted to do was go to college, get a degree, and earn lots of money, and live on Sunset Boulevard. I wish I were joking. What a detour I took chasing that dream.
Somehow, I went from thinking children were awesome, to believing the world was too corrupted to add more children into it. This fact, coupled with beliefs from home, church, and/or culture that were fabricated to bring a devaluation to parenting or children. But therein is the lie.
I find it humourous that I have been working on this blog for some time now, and this week Weyman Howard spoke on Parenting. What good insight it brought me to complete this blog. Love. The understanding that it is all about Love. If the world was operating the way it was intended, then Love would overcome the desire for success (the material definition).
What if we could reframe the definition of success to mean: Loving well and raising kids, from a place of Love, and not a place of shame, guilt, control or a being to carry your heritage (or worse, just someone to take care of you when you were old). What if we raised them to give them more than we received from them? What if kids were not our property, but a gift, a responsibly to bring another human up-into the world more Loving than we were? Could we change the world? Could this simply change everything? I believe it could. Hold the phone, I am nottalking about spoiling, saying ‘yes’ to their every whim, or having poor boundaries which creates madness. I am talking about a sincere, genuine, unconditional love for their very being, their spiritual being. I have to sincerely ask myself how that looks in my everyday life.
It would mean, when I am tired, frustrated and just ‘done’ with the questions from a 4-year-old, I would take a deep breath and pull on the Love to answer kindly, not harshly with shame inferred.
It would mean creating better emotional boundaries for myself, so I could provide a healthier me to my children. Which means getting in touch with my own pain and struggles. No more guilt parenting but taking responsibility. Instead of giving her 10 chances and I’ve lost my cool, giving her 3 chances and then a consequence because I Love her.
It would mean owning my own feelings and back story, not using objects or pity to control or manipulate their behavior into the way I need them to act and behave for my own good. It would mean Loving myself and the little me that still needs to be raised up.
It would mean taking responsibly for my actions and not blaming her for how I acted or felt. It would also mean setting realistic, age appropriate, expectations from a place of Love and care – AND actually communicating them aloud and then following through and being accountable. Love would mean, keeping my word so I could breed an environment of trust.
It would mean, not using my kids to rid my own shame. Like making her dress a certain way, make her hair perfect, or telling her how to talk or behave in a way that makes me look best in public. Instead allow her to make mistakes and providing grace from Love and not shame.
It would mean, not harming her with my words, but using Loving words and actions. Treating her how I want to be treated, or better.
What if we considered how we Love our children as the new success?! I think the world would start to change.
Bethany Luchetta is a writer of life and reality. In hopes to connect with the humanity around her, she writes from her heart. Bethany just celebrated 7 years of marriage with her love, Vince Luchetta. They are both on their second marriage. Life has not been without challenge in their personal lives and career lives, yet they strive for growth in love and tragedy. They share three beautiful daughters, Makayla (17), Paige (14), and Livvy Lou (4). If you see them, reach out and say hi!