After years of hearing only silence in my conversations with the lord regarding a chronic condition, i’ve been healed
BY Tori demaria
Walk in my shoes for a brief moment: My entire life, I have been known as the “sick kid.” From a very young age, I’ve struggled with various infections, very frequent bladder infections and trips to the doctor just to be put on antibiotics once more. Minor infections like these don’t seem like that big of a deal to someone who does not struggle with chronic discomfort. These things have never been life threatening, and I have never had any cancers in my body—just small, annoying ailments. I was missing so much school every year because of so many bladder infections. The doctors diagnosed me with chronic UTI with no clear solutions except for years of antibiotics and reassurances that “you will grow out of it one day.”
All that to say, around 12 or 13 years old, I did in fact grow out of it. I did not have any infections for quite some time. I don’t think I even went to see a doctor once, except for the occasional flu. I went through high school fairly healthy and active and normal. It was not until after I graduated that my health began to be an issue once more.
The first struggle came again in January 2014. I was in the Immersion internship program with The Father’s House at the time, so I viewed it as spiritual warfare (I still think it is). My mom (bless her soul for always selflessly taking care of me in my sickness!) took me to the emergency room, where the doctors told me I had a severe kidney infection. They sent me home with medicine and told me everything I had heard before. I have continued to wrestle with recurring bladder and kidney infections since that day in January to present day, and I have gone to the ER three times in the past year and a half. It has interfered with my job, my personal life and my spiritual life. The doctors just kept telling me that my body is changing and that it will fix itself. For whatever reason, my body and the doctors have never agreed on this issue.
Between being raised in a Christian home, attending a Christian school and having amazing friends, I know the heart of Jesus and I know He cares for me. He wants us to be whole beings. He suffers with us in our suffering, mourns when we mourn, rejoices when we rejoice. I have seen these things firsthand throughout my life. I know for a fact that our God is a very good God. I have been covered in prayer by my family, my pastors and my friends. I have had hands laid on me, fasted and interceded for my own health, and I have come up empty and discouraged for such a long time. It has affected my walk with the Lord at times and made me question His love for me. “What can I possibly learn from this?! I am not dying, or even in severe pain. I just want to go to the bathroom in peace! It isn’t fair.” These are the daily thoughts I would have—the conversation I would have with the Lord month after month. I would hear only silence.
The last time I had a bladder infection was just less than a month ago, so normally at this point in time I would be expecting another very soon. I sat in my mom’s room a month ago, crying out of frustration just asking “why?” Antibiotics make me more sick and my immune system more weak. I was angry with God. I couldn’t engage in worship or in the service on Sunday mornings. I was distracted, uncomfortable and confused with no answers.
Until Sunday, Oct. 30, 2016.
I was standing in church during worship, finally having a moment with the Lord. No discomfort or distractions. I felt His presence and peace for a moment, and with a very clear mind I just enjoyed His nearness. Worship leader Ryan Reyna was in between songs, and just for a second he paused and said something like: “I feel like the Lord is healing someone with long-time bladder issues. I just want to let that person know that the Lord is healing you right now.” He moved onto the next song without any fuss or emotion. And in that moment immediately following what Ryan said, I felt an intense but gentle heat from my kidneys and throughout my entire urinary tract system. Overwhelmed and honestly in disbelief of what had just happened, I began to cry and talk with Jesus. “Did you really just have a grown man say the word bladder during church?! Did you REALLY just heal me?” Yes, HE HEALED ME!
It sounds silly but let me say, it burned every time I use the restroom. Every time is not an exaggeration—whether I have had an infection or not, the damage has been done to my poor urinary tract system. Since that Sunday, I have had not a single moment of discomfort or pain. He has healed me and restored me thoroughly and completely.
Still, I am curious as to why the Lord has had me struggle with such an odd discomfort for so long, but I am choosing to focus on how He heals. I witnessed so many aspects of our Jesus through this. Not only did He meet such a specific need of mine, but the way He did it was so personal to me! I got to see how our worship leader was so in tune with the Holy Spirit and how the Lord can use anyone to speak if they are open to it. He healed me in such a way that wasn’t special for anyone but myself. I have used this testimony to encourage my friends and family. But He has used this longtime struggle of mine to greaten my faith and to suppress my doubt that He indeed is a healing Father. For these things I am grateful and thankful for my pain. It was no walk in the park, but I am healed and free and whole. Our God sees us and hears us. Although it may seem small and insignificant to others, it isn’t to the Lord. Praise and honor be to the Ultimate Physician.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tori De Maria is 21 years old. She lives at home with her hard-working parents and two younger sisters, who double as best friends. She was raised in a Jesus-filled home and has had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ her whole life. She has known her two best friends since she was 8 years old. She did the third year of Immersion directly after high school. Tori has just recently completed her last season of life being a barista in San Marcos and is looking forward to attending Bellus Academy in Poway this month.